So I know that it's been a very long while since I've written anything on here, I had considered shutting it down, but what the hey, I've gone on this long.

Wanna know what's happening in my life? Well, I'll tell you. This semester at school has been one big bag of frustrations and bad feelings. I hate school and I will be so glad to be done with it. I am so tired of it. My friends all tease me because they say I "BS" my way through school and life- i.e. I don't take anything too seriously, don't stress over my homework, etc. Basically, yeah, it's true I don't get stressed out much, or spend any more than the necessary amount of time on my homework, but you know what, I'll get the same degree they do, and I get almost the same grades. I just recently took that type A or B personality test, and not surprisingly I am a type B. My friends all took it too, and suprise surprise- every single one is a type A. This is my freakin fourth year of college, and I have one more to go before I graduate with a bachelor's, and so no wonder I am not stressed.... I can't be, because I am burned out. I am frustrated with my life because right now it sees so damned planned out, and that is a scary thing.

There is one redeeming quality this semester, I started up harp lessons again. Thank God for the wooden stringed savior that sits in my living room.

I am considering closing this journal. Nobody reads it. I don't post frequently on it. The things I do write are guarded and sugar-coated. What's the point?

I'm sitting in Ethics class right now, the professor is fervently saying something (I'm not catching all the words of course because I'm writing this) about virtue philosophy, and I am writing this post on a pocket-sized computer that yes, is about as fully functional as a regular-sized one and even has wireles internet access. As I write this I can't help but marvel at the technology I commonly use today. This computer I am using right now for example, is about 1 inch thick, 6 inches tall and 3.5 inches wide. I have an mp3 player that holds and organizes 600 songs that is about the size of a clothespin. What I consider normal today people 15-20 years ago would have only imagined could be on Star Trek. I like the age I live in. Oh, randomly, I read a blog the day and the author and his wife just named their baby daughter "Stellar Voxanne." Now there's a Star Trek name if I ever heard one! I hope they just call her Stella. It also kinda sounds like something the infamous scientology-pushing Tom Cruise might want to name a second daughter. He scares me.

Today was nerve-wracking. I had a bunch of stuff due, and had to give a Physical Assessment demonstration on the musculoskeletal system in front of my professor this morning. Basically I had to learn all the joints and Range of Motion movements and demonstrate how to assess for normalcy. I also had to learn how to do a basic neurological exam, but I didn't have to demonstrate that to my instructor because we ran out of time. We wear our long white lab coats to do our assessment demos to help us feel professional and it usually works, but if it doesn't I get into my acting mode and I pretend to be Dr. Dana Scully from The X-Files. That gives me a lot of confidence. I did that when we had to assess the abdomen about a month ago and my partner said she was really impressed with my professionality (is that a word?)- huge ego boost there. I stayed up till about 3:30am last night doing clinical paperwork and studying for the assessment demo, so I was going on about 2.5-3.0 hours of sleep today. Fortunately I was pumping with adrenaline for the first part of the morning (the demo) but I crashed around 11:45 in my Nutrition Theory class. I took a 3 hour nap this afternoon and let me tell you it was lovely. I was so deep under though that when my alarm went off around 3pm I didn't completely know what day or time it was and when I saw the level of sunlight I panicked because I thought I had overslept and missed a clinical or something really important like that. School's almost out though, my very last final, Nutrition, is ridiculously late- May 15, but I don't start work at the hospital until the 21st so at least I have a few days to relax. I have been thinking lately that I might want to teach at a college someday. They're practically begging us to become nursing instructors, and I've always told myself that I wanted to be a college professor someday, so maybe I will.

I am very excited about the job I got for this summer- I'll be working as a nurse extern (like an intern only you get paid ) on the women's health ward at a nearby hospital. It's so near my house I'm actually going to buy a bicycle and ride it to work every day instead of driving. We'll soon be short on cars here anyways because Rebekah will be getting her license this summer and Josh will be learning to drive. Plus a bike will cut down on the money I spend on gas, and give me some good exercise.

I have a new hobby which I have become particularly engrossed with- tracking baby names and their popularity and trends. I was always interested in names, particularly because I am bound and determined to give my children individual and strong names, but lately I have begun to dig a little deeper and am intrugued by what I am finding. I am also continually surprised at the people around me who are naming their new babies extremely popular names because they "just liked the name" without even checking the fact that there were about 23,000 other little girls named Emily that year, or 25,000 other little Jacobs. Nor do they wonder whether their son named "Angel" (which was #32 in 2005 by the way) will regret his parent's choice when he submits his resume for a competitive business internship or law school. Anyways, it's extremely interesting. Another interesting thing is how popular movies and TV shows, not to mention celebrities affect the trends. Right now for girls Sydney (main character on Alias), Kate (Kate Winslet, Kate Bosworth, Cate Blanchett), Angelina (Jolie), Mariah (Carrey), Alyssa (Milano) and Trinity (The Matrix) are all very hot, to name a few. For boys Elijah (Wood), Logan (X-Men), Liam (Neeson) and Hayden (Christenson) have risen steadily with the popularity of their namesake's and movie character's exposure. Well, maybe I'll write more on names later, as I could write a whole lot, but for now I must go to bed and bid you adieu.

Norah Jones is playing in the background. I'm sitting cross-legged on the floor in my bedroom. It's dark outside. My fluffy rabbit is hopping  all around, jumping on and off my legs. I love the fact that she's completely litter-trained and I can just give her free reign of my bedroom for hours at a time. But that was all just a surface side-note.

Here's some things that have happened in my life lately that have left me pondering. Some more than others: My best friend is engaged. I have made friends with a really nice person, albeit gay. My nursing program is so involved I usually don't leave school until after six or seven in the evening, although my classes end around three. I am realizing more and more that I am currently spiritually lax in many areas, sometimes it's because I just don't want to search for the truth, and other times it's because I could literally care less. And yet, in other areas of doctrine/spirituality, I am unbending. How important is practicing what you preach? My relationships with some of my family members are not what they should be. I am increasingly fearful of getting old. I am beginning to acknowledge the fact that I am horrible with children. I've always feared it, but the reactions my mother and sister give to how I interact with my four-year old brother have finally started to have an affect. At least I can honestly say that in that area I have started to consciously improve. I have furiously begun to fight to become independent once again. I had forgotten until this year how important it was to my sanity. I never want to be something I am not. Tried it. Crap and misery- "Don't try this at home, kids." I'm thinking about going to Thailand by myself for six months to a year shortly after I graduate to do medical missions work. I'm looking for a book/cd to start learning Thai. I've come to the conclusion that I want to change my current look- growing my hair and my bangs out (I've had them since I was two) and losing weight, as I want a more refined image. I'm not a little kid or even a high-schooler anymore. I wonder every now and then if I should have become a vetrinarian. So, there you are. Although I really wrote this for myself. Sometimes I need to write or say something for it to become real. I think that's how many people are though. Why? I don't know.

I know that tomorrow is the first day of next week. Next week is the start of my real nursing program. I will graduate five semesters from tomorrow. There is a flutter in my stomach, or is it my heart? that is deeper and slightly more tangible than the adrenaline flutter I feel every time I walk into a new job, school semester, doctor's office, first harp lesson, etc. It's more real because it's big, it's important, perhaps one of the few all important life-decisions I will make in life. I have been so sure of myself in my career decision for over a year now, but lately there has been a growing fear in the back of my mind... is this what I really want to do? If it isn't, what in the world do I do? All this time, all this money, all this effort? What happens if I decide not to turn the corner, but to keep walking straight?

Impulsive conclusion: Catch myself a millionare. Hope there's one that likes red-heads.

 

I am memorizing Elizabeth Barret Browning's "How do I Love Thee?" I am such a nerdy loser, and I don't even get that great grades, or even stomach ulcers from stressing myself out with academic achievement. What's up with that?! An under-achieving nerd... the worst kind. They do nothing but look and act nerdy, but don't actually serve any function in society, unlike their cousins, the over-achieving nerds, who send people to the moon and have been known to spend their whole lives studying the life cycle of a rare breed of Amazonian fire ant. However, the under-achieving nerds are kind of like glass eyeballs, you can't see out of one but from a distance it sure looks like you can. These are the people that regularly attend Xena and Star Trek conventions dressed as characters, and the people that fashion police frequently use as examples of what not to wear. I admit I have a penchant for Sci-fi ( I savoured a late-night showing of Planet of the Apes last night, the original with Charleton Heston, and that was after two hour-long episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation), and I have regular debates/informative sessions with my father and brother about little known historical facts and who would we bump off among the siblings first if we were a real royal family. That reminds me, dangit, I missed that special on King Tutankhamun that was supposed to be on the history channel tonight. I think all those romance movies they make about lonely weird people were based off of people exactly like me. Well... so be it.

On second thought, anyone know a good therapist?

The last stanza of William Cullen Bryant's Thanatopsis. It touched something inside of me.

                                  So live, that when thy summons comes to join

                                  The innumerable caravan which moves

                                  To that mysterious realm, where each shall take

                                  His chamber in the silent halls of death,

                                  Thou go not, like the quarry-slave at night,

                                  Scourged to his dungeon, but, sustained and soothed

                                  By an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave

                                  Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch

                                  About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams.

How dark the heavens are this night,

For not a single star can break through the black cloth which has swathed the sky.

How silently the snowflakes drift between her fingertips,

Falling to the still ground to be lost among their sisters in endless folds of white.

How steadfast is the beat

Of the heart within the woman standing alone in the midst of it all.

 

So I went back to class this past Wednesday. It was a cold day. I had to breathlessly walk uphill to the B--------- Building, then up four flights of stairs to my class room. I squeezed between the long tables into an empty seat next to a shy looking boy with blue-gray eyes. I knew as soon as I looked at him that if there was to be any conversation between my new seat-mate and I, I would have to initiate it. So I did: "Boy, wasn't that walk up four flights a killer?" A small smile escaped from him followed by a few words of agreement. I judge him probably a math or accounting major, maybe engineering. Eye contact. "What's your name, by the way?" "Uh, Luke... what's yours?" He'll came out of himself soon enough with a determined extrovert sitting next to him. I almost never go through a class period without whispering comments about what's going on or what the teacher said to whichever poor soul is fated to be seated beside me.

I scour the room. Hmm. One, two, three, four... seven boys. The rest are girls, eighteen in all if I include myself, and a few of them very potentially competition for any interests that I might develope among the scant male population in the classroom.

The professor is an older woman, seasoned, relaxed, but doesn't put up with a lot of crap. I already really like her after only the first fifteen minutes. Syllabus is handed out. Looks like Friday I have to give a five minute speech about.... myself? Is she joking? No, she's not. Cool. That shouldn't be hard at all. Definitly no need to rehearse for that one, as I could talk about myself impromptu any day. Looks like it shouldn't be too hard a class, but very interesting. My shoulders relax a little, and a silent "Thank you God for an easy A for my GPA" escapes my lips. Now let's get back to looking at those boys.

So I help out with the bus ministry at my church. For anyone who does not know what that is, basically we have two or three volunteer bus drivers who go to some local neighborhoods and ask the parents if it's okay to take their children to church, and they bring them in and we do games, have some yummies, and tell them about God. They really have fun. Today was our Christmas party. I did not know this, and so unfortuntaly I wore black high pumps and my new silk wrap-around shirt. I even had on a pearl necklace, just so you get the picture of how unfittly dressed I was. That wasn't the best idea, because I later ended up throwing a football with two adorable little boys and even though they gave me a huge compliment, "Sarah Jane, you throw like a boy!" it was still rather difficult to move. I was amazed myself that I didn't fall.

The morning started out with all the kids in the classroom learning about the Christmas story, and then we asked some questions about it and they knew almost all the answers. After about half an hour of that, we all went over to the gym where ice cream, soda, chips and cookies were waiting. Then, to my surprise, one of the teachers brought out a big box. It was full of toys! Now, they might not have been the most expensive toys, but still, we had at least fifty children there. He asked me to put out all the toys on a big long table at the back of the gym, and then after the kids were done eating, we lined them up according to grade. We let the younger grades go first and then the older, and they each got to pick out a toy. There were still many toys left when every one was done. I asked the teacher I worked with if the people from the church had donated all the toys, but she said that she was pretty sure that the teacher who had brought the box had bought them all himself. I already had high regards of the man, as he is very kind, and very dedicated to the children's ministry at our church, but now my view of him is even higher. He and his wife were never able to have children of their own, and I think that's one of the reasons that both he and his wife have such a fondness for them. His wife used to be a teacher. After each of the kids had picked a toy, the noise and activity in the gym continued to elevate. At one point I just stopped and looked around and it was pretty funny, and a little chaotic. I did have to stop one little boy holding a bag of marbles who was chasing another little boy who had a toy gun he wanted. I wasn't sure if he was planning to whap the little boy with the toy gun with the marbles or not, but I didn't want to take any chances. It was an interesting morning all in all.

Here's a picture of my Mom and I taken at my cousin's wedding December 2nd. I just wanted everyone to see what a beautiful woman I have for a mother! Both outside and inside. Side note: my hair is finally growing! Oh how I miss my long, flowing tresses! They will come back to me ere long. 

I woke up today really late today: 11:53am. I stayed up Sunday night till almost 4am writing a paper, and my body totally revolted on me this morning when I tried to get up. I slept through chapel because I have enough chapel credits, and I slept through microbiology because I knew I could and wouldn't do any worse on the final by missing this morning. All I have to do is study the notes he gives us on each chapter. My room is a wreck, and the floor has shavings all over it, because my rabbit Isolde kicks them out as she runs around her cage. Even if I vacuumed every day she'd still kick them out. They're on my bed too because when I let her run around on it they stick to her long fur on her belly and on her fluffy, dainty white feet and come off as she runs and hops around, and burrows under the covers. Last night it was kinda cute though because I was letting her run around on my bed and she came over and flopped herself down in the crook of my arm under my neck (I was laying sideways) and we both literally feel asleep for about fifteen minutes. I think she's probably one of the most affectionate rabbits in the world, and I just love when she cuddles up with me and licks me. She also follows me around and lays on my feet if I am sitting at my desk. Let me just say this, if you ever think about getting a rabbit, go to a local shelter and adopt one, but make sure you play with it for about 20 minutes first to see a little of it's temperment. Isolde came right up to me, hopped on and off my lap, and even licked my cheek the first time we met. It was love. There are tons of sweet bunnies waiting for a home at local shelters, but getting one should not be on a whim or just because you think they're adorable (even though they are). And do not breed them on a whim either, because guess where most of those babies end up? At pet stores, sold to mother with kids who bug for a bunny but can't take care of it. I only say this because it was just so sad to see sooo many abandoned rabbits there. If my parents would let me I would have way too many animals. I would go to the shelters and adopt them all!! No just kidding, but I honestly think when I have my own place I will own a lot of animals. Listen to me, I sound like an animal rights advocate. I guess I am though.

I have a lot to do before next week, but inside I look around, at myself, at my room, at the schoolwork that I have to do, and I feel like I have already given up. I like organization, and when I feel like my life isn't organized, which it isn't right now, I feel like I am out of control. I haven't played my harp in months, either, I have been meaning to bring it home from Nanny's since I moved back home in late October, but I haven't yet. Well, today I am determined to start "cleaning," because Christmas is coming, not to mention the rest of life.

Tomorrow is December 1st. Mama bought an advent box on eBay last week and it's sitting on our bookshelf right now, ready with candy waiting to delight a little pink tongue behind each Christmas-themed door. Noah has been drooling over it, asking several times "Can I open a doow [door]?" Mom wants all of her children to take turns, and it's perfect, because she has five children, and there are twenty-five doors. I think Rebekah and I will let Noah open our doors though, as Christmas and all that goes with it is so magical for a four-year old, and I think at 19 and 21 we are mature enough to handle giving away our candy. It hasn't snowed yet, I wish it would. I really hope it at the latest snows on Christmas Eve. My last day of the semester is December 13th, then I start working at the bank again probably the next day. I know it's been a long time since I posted. So sorry about the idolence.

I am starting clinicals in February! My nursing friends and I have already ordered our nursing uniforms, and we are all getting very excited. I watch a lot of the discovery health channel nowadays. Well, gotta go study for a Statistics test. I am so glad that that class will be over in just two weeks!

There's an empty plate beside me right now, there used to be a little piece of cake on it. I wonder what happened to it... So I am on a little break from getting some work done right now. I have a big test to study for over five very long and small texted chapters in microbiology, and of course some ever present busy work for two other classes, intermediate spanish and statistics. Man I tell ya, school is tough! I just keep teling myself, after this year, two more years, just two more years. It would have been only one if I had known what I wanted to do with my life my first year in college. Indecision costs you!

It's so beautiful outside right now, the sun is shining, and the leaves are in full color. I love fall! I wish that I could just romp the day away.

I have decided to move back in with my family. It is a process, however, because it means that I have to box up all of my sister's stuff from the bedroom before I can move in. I already started going through my stuff here and have thrown out a lot. It's not good to be a packrat, ehem, like my sister. I can't wait to move in though, I haven't lived at home for over two years now, and I am very excited.

Wow. That was a very boring post. Well, that said, time to get back to the books.

Mr. Rochester to Jane in Jane Eyre:

" ....I have for the first time found what I can truly love- I have found you. You are my sympathy- my better self- my good angel. I am bound to you with a strong attachment. I think you good, gifted, lovely: a fervent, a solemn passion is conceived in my heart; it leans to you, draws you to my centre and spring of life, wraps my existence around you, and, kindling in pure, powerful flame, fuses you and me in one."

Dangit, now why can't some dashing young man say that to me? (And in a British accent too )